Worth the Price Sometimes

Over this past weekend I had the joy of attending a baby shower for a very dear friend. Her family was among the very first people we met and befriended when we moved here eleven years ago and we have all been through a lot together.

When I received the invitation a few weeks ago, my first thoughts were:
     How will I get there, can't drive and my husband doesn't like going to strange places?
     Would I be able to tolerate the crowd?
     What if I started to panic and needed to get out of there?
     What if I do something stupid, would I embarrass myself or my friends? I could fall or spill my              food or say the wrong things (my verbal filter is just totally gone these days)?

I'm sure I have mentioned how much I hate asking for things? I still think I should be self-sufficient in all ways .I was determined to attend, no matter what. so I acturally contacted a friend of the mom-to-be whom I knew would be invited. I had done a lot of favors through the past years for her and since she would practically drive right by my house, I figured it would not be imposing at all.  I got several excuses in response and gave up on her. Then I remembered a family member of the mom-to-be. We haven't been as close as we once were because the mom-to-be's family had moved a half hour away from us so we didn't attend all of their big get togethers anymore. But I remembered her offering to give me a ticket and a ride to her daughter's dance recital in June. Even though I don't see them much, I have kept in touch and have supported her kids' fundraisers and such.

 When I asked, there was no hesitation whatsoever so the ride was taken care of. And the ride was fun, spent playing with her kids. Somehow, she knew to grab the table on the edge of the room and gave me the corner seat so I wouldn't feel closed in. How she knew this, I have no idea.

I decided to lump all the other questions together and say "So what if I do?"  These are good friends and would accept me even if I did all of the things I was afraid of. I truly was proud of myself and my determination. The shower is one of the best I have been to in a long time. I am one of those silly people who love baby showers, even the silly games that are inevitably played. I even won a prize!  I lasted the whole four hours with no problem. I was even smart enough to not try to carry a bowl of soup or open cups of drinks.

Then came Monday, the day after. My legs would not work. The signal from the brain was just not getting to the legs. Even using my cane, I was stumbling and struggling. We had an out-of-town doctor appointment, so I couldn't just take it easy. My speech was a mess. I think my stuttering was worse than it has ever been and my "FTD headache" was nearly unbearable. Fortunately, all the staff at this doctor's office have gotten to know me and love me, so I didn't worry about embarrassing myself there.

I kept trying to figure out "Why today?" towards the end of the day. Then I had that "Duh" moment. I figured out that my brain was struggling because of the stress of the day before. Even though I had such a good time, it was still stressful. I had worried every time I got up to walk somewhere, every time I had to have a conversation with anyone and all the other worries I have mentioned.

Guess what?  I don't care one iota that I had to deal with the struggles on Monday, even at the risk of embarrassing myself, which I did do when we stopped at a convenience store on the way. This day of struggling was a cost I would pay over and over in order to have the good time I had at the shower. Getting to visit with people I haven't seen in a while and celebrating with the mom-to-be... PRICELESS!  When you know you have a terminal disease, it (at least to me) becomes important to spend time with loved ones because each time, you don't know if it will be the last.

Today is Tuesday, two days after the shower and, physically, I am back to the place I was before Sunday. You may be reading this post and are thinking "Wow, she is really making too big a deal out of attending a baby shower." When you have FTD, everything becomes a big deal and a huge struggle, so I when I make it through one, it is a huge deal to me!