"Dementia Daze." I read this name as a description of the uncomfortable feeling we get when things are confusing to us. Of course, just about anything can trigger this.
It happens to me in large groups of people. Bear in mind, to me, a large group of people is three or more, especially if there is someone in the group whom I do not know. It just throws me off my game. My speech abilities are fairly good when around one or two people with whom I am comfortable. Add in a couple more people, or someone I am not totally comfortable with, the stuttering and inability to think of words or concepts totally kicks into high gear. Of course, then I feel embarrassed which leads to even more of the same. This leaves me totally dazed... unable to think, unable to remember the layout of the place I am, and totally uncomfortable.
It certainly happens when someone is trying to explain something new to me. However, as I keep reminding people, it doesn't help me if you speak louder or keep repeating what you want me to understand. That just frustrates and confuses me even more. It happens more and more when I am watching television. I avoid shows that are complicated in plot, but when I can't, I distract myself by doing something with my hands. This keeps me from getting too deep into the plot and even though this doesn't make sense to someone without FTD, for me it sometimes helps.
The scary part to me is I am starting to have trouble reading. Again, I can't deal with complicated plots or too many characters to keep track of. I am reduced to reading books that I used to consider a waste of time and brain power. I find myself, more and more, having to go back and reread sections that I have already read. This is scary to me, not only because I have always loved to read, but because the two abilities that this disease had not stolen from me yet is the ability to read and to write. I am terrified of losing them.
Toward the end of this past week, I ended up spending almost the entire day and evening curled up on my bed in a fetal position just watching the numbers change on the clock. The next day, I forced myself to at least stay off the bed and to do a couple small things. Why was I in such a dazed state? What I figured out is that I had been wanting, for a couple weeks, to go shopping at a local department store for a few things. We actually went there either late last week or early this week (can't remember exactly), but my husband was only interested in a quick in and out trip to buy himself new jeans. He promised we would come back on another day to shop for what I wanted.
I didn't want to keep asking him because I didn't want to be a pest and ask everyday. Each day, I thought we might be going but we still haven't. The one day I began to approach the subject, I asked what he had planned for the day and was told there were some really good sports on television. That made me feel like I am not important at all. Logically, I know he keeps delaying it because he hates to shop, but an FTD mind does not work the same as one without. It's not like I just want to browse, I am not a shopper either... hate it in fact. It is a good reason why I want to go this time. I have lost enough weight that none of my summer clothes fit. Not sure men would understand that, but all the women will. I could have asked my sister to take me, she would do it in a minute without even thinking about it. For some reason, though, I felt the need for him to help me select my purchases this time.
Bottom line of this blog entry is that it doesn't take much to put us, or at least me, in that "daze" or to discombobulate us. (Not sure that is an actual word, but I love it.) Anything new or out of my comfort zone, a change in my normal schedule, meeting new people, going new places, eating in a noisy restaurant, shopping in an unfamiliar store... they can all do it. Sometimes it seems like it is for no reason at all and takes me a while to put my finger on what it is. Sometimes I can't figure it out, but that doesn't even matter. Even if I know why, it doesn't help me shake that dazed, confused and uncomfortable feeling.
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